Andromeda's Group Therapy sessions
by Cayte R Black
Summary: Sometimes everyone needs a little therapy. Though I'm not too sure that group therapy is such a great idea...
1. Chapter 1

**Andromeda's Group Therapy Session**

**Session one.**

"**Hello my name is Harper and I throw bacon fat."**

"**Hello Harper."**

"**Hello my name is Tyr and I like violence."**

"**Hello Tyr."**

"**Hello my name is Dylan and my real name is Dilbert."**

"**Hello Dyl-Bert."**

"**Hello my name is Rev and I have a molting problem."**

"**Hello Rev."**

"**Hello my name is Trance and I miss Walter."**

"**Hello Trance."**

"**Hello my name is Beka and I have a problem."**

"**Hello Beka."**

"**Hello my name is Rommie and I don't see the point in this."**

"**Hello Rommie."**

"**Hello my name is Bob and I like pointy things."**

"**Hello Bo- who the hell is bob?"**

**Harper: Get out Bob!**

**Beka: What you don't like Bob?**

**Bob: Now bob hates you, but he still likes pointy things…**

**Rommie: I suggest you run fast from Bob.**

**Trance: … Too late.**

**0 0 0**

"**Hello my name is Sabith and I was attacked by a water fountain."**

"**Hello Sabith."**

"**Hello my name is CateRBlack and I once ate sugar covered lard balls."**

"**Hello… CateRBlack."**


	2. Session One continued

"Alright everyone my name is Dr. Piddle."

"Hello Dr. Piddle."

Beka sniggered in her seat at the far side of the table.

"Now that we have all introduced ourselves and some of our problems we can start working to fix them," spoke the doctor in a kind voice. "Let's start from the beginning shall we,"

"That's you Tyr," Beka said mockingly.

Tyr scowled at Beka then turned his attention to the doctor.

"You say you like violence," the good doctor said, "now how does that make you feel?"

"It makes me feel strong!" he exclaimed waving his fist in the air.

"Okay so umm moving on… Dylan oh I mean Dilbert how about you go next."

"Alright, well you see it all started when I was five…" began Dilbert.

_Three hours later…_

Dilbert was interrupted as Harper staggered into the room, his shirt tattered and missing a shoe.

"Oh my God Harper are you alright?" asked Dr. Piddle concerned.

"I-I don't want to talk about it."

"Okay how about you tell us about your bacon fat-"

"He just came out of no where and, and I couldn't stop him, and I just felt so alone," Harper wailed slamming his face onto the table and began sobbing incoherently.

"Okay Rev you next, you said you had a molting problem. Tell us about that."

"You see when I get very emotional sometimes and well I, molt," said Rev hanging his head in shame.

"Is there some shampoo you can use?" asked the doctor.

"I'm afraid not."

"And then when I was eleven-" Dilbert began again.

"Dilbert, no! I mean um you had your turn let's give Trance a chance," Dr. Piddle began rubbing her forehead.

"Oh, ok well it's very simple, HARPER killed Walter," she said calmly.

"It all happened when Harper failed to notice a glitch in his teleporter and BLEW UP WALTER!"

"Harper did you apologize to Trance?" inquired Dr. Piddle.

Harper looked up and wiped his eyes.

"Well um officially? No but it was implied… sorry Trance."

"Oh it's okay Harper!" Yelled Trance as she through her arms around him.

"Well I'm glad we figured that out" Dr. Piddle said.

"And then on my twelfth birthday…"

"Now how about turning our attention to Beka," Dr. Piddle interrupted.

"Umm what? Oh you want to know about my problem; well my problem is that Captain terrific over there doesn't seem to know the meaning of GROUP therapy!"

"I OBJECT! I DO TO!" protested Dilbert. "My problems are clearly more important than yours-"

"They are not; these are the problem we have with each other!" "Dilbert, Beka please-"

"Doctor, I have a problem with Beka! She's interrupting-"

**POOF!**

The room went silent as hunks of brown fur snowed down onto the crew. All eyes were on Rev who now resembled a plucked chicken stood up and spoke quietly.

"I have to go now," he said and abruptly left the conference room.

No one spoke until Dr. Piddle decided to end the silence.

"Um, I think that's enough for today, you may go."

0 0 0

"Hello my name is Sabith and I just blew a snot bubble."

"Hello Sabith."

"Hello my name is Cate and did you know that raccoons are vicious?"

"Hello Cate."

Hey guys, um just to let you know everything we say we did ( for ex. I was attacked by a water fountain and CateRBlack has eaten sugar covered lard balls… MMMMM YUMMY!)

0 0 0

CateRBlack: So what do you think so far?

Sabith: I LOVE IT!

CateRBlack: you would… and I wasn't asking you.

Sabith: Well what makes you think that matters?

CateRBlack: Sabith this is sort of your story, I was asking the readers what they thought.

Sabith: I read it to! But I see your point… yes what do you think? (They will answer now because they love me best…Right?)

CateRBlack: No.


	3. Session 2

**Session Two**

"**Hello my name is Trance and today I ate sushi."**

"**Hello Trance."**

"**Hello my name is Rev and I broke the juice container."**

"**Hello Rev."**

"**Hello my name is Beka and HEY! I was blamed for that!"**

"**Hello Beka."**

"**Hello my name is Harper and I was wrong."**

"**Hello Harper."**

"**Hello my name is Dilbert and I'm not special."**

"**Hello Dilbert."**

"**Hello my name is Rommie and I DON'T WANT TO BE HERE!"**

"**Hell-Hello Rommie."**

"**Hello my name is Tyr and I still like violence."**

"**Hello Tyr."**

"**Hello my name is Bob and _I see you Harper._"**

"**Hey Bob!"**

**Harper: What is this madness? You are not part of our crew!**

**Beka: Be nice to Bob**

**Bob: I'm going to stab you with my pointy stick.**

**0 0 0**

"**Hello my name is Sabith and I'm watching you."**

"**Hello Sabith."**

"**Hello my name is Cate and I'm a juice fountain."**

"**Hello Cate."**


	4. Session 2 the madness continues!

Sorry everyone we forgot the disclaimer so lets get this done and over with now. WE DON'T OWN ANY THING. Well we do, just nothing related to andromeda. Enjoy the chapter! Nor do we own money, and we aren't making anything off of this either. . 

0 0 0 0

"Is everyone feeling better today?" asked the good doctor as she took in the sights of the room. Most of the hair had been picked up and was now loosely glued back on its rightful owner, who looked only slightly embarrassed.

"NO!" screamed Harper and looked around nervously.

Beka was dosing in her chair and Rommie was muttering to herselves. Tyr was sitting straight and sullen and Trance looked a little sick.

"And then was I was thirteen…"

"Dilbert, please we can't go on about what happened yesterday."

"I thought that was the point of therapy?"

"Not anymore," Dr. Piddle said, "Trance lets start with you today."

"Me?" Trance said happily. "Well, today I tried sushi and I don't think it liked me too much, it bit me."

"Was it alive?"

"Well, I couldn't even harm the fish to eat it so yes I tried it when it was," Trance said.

"Trance, you have to kill the fish and eat it raw."

"But that's so mean!" Trance exclaimed horrified.

"And then when I was fourteen…"

"Dilbert, tell me why you don't think your not special," Dr. Piddle said.

Dilbert began to wail and no one could understand the words that came out of his mouth.

"Um, okay, moving on. Harper, tell us why you were wrong."

"I didn't think one-legged men could run that fast," Harper said dazed. "But I was wrong."

Dr. Piddle stared at him and Harper put his head down again traumatized.

"One time when I was fifteen my younger brother broke the closet, OH MY GOD…"

"Thank you Dilbert. Rommie, yesterday you said you didn't see the point in this and yet today you say you don't want to be here."

"Bite me, lady."

"Rommie, are you sure you don't want to share your feelings?"

Rommie gave her a glare that even make Tyr reconsider.

Dr. Piddle coiled back and turned to find someone who was more willing.

"Tyr, you said you still like violence."

"Yes, it clearly shows who's inferior, by who wins," Tyr said.

"And who wins?" The Doctor asked shuffling through her papers.

"I do."

"All the time?"

"Is that a challenge?"

Dr. Piddle looked up quickly.

"I'm not here to challenge you Tyr, I'm here to be your friend."

"I don't need friends."

"Is that why you think you need this therapy?"

"I don't need it, I work wonderfully with my violence."

"Do you all agree with that?"

Harper whimpered under his arms, Dilbert was clearly still talking about the closet, Rev and Trance were discussing sushi recipes, Beka was humming to herself and Rommie was glaring at Dr. Piddle.

"They do," Tyr said.

"Yes, I can see that," Dr. Piddle said shortly. "Rev, you go next."

"Well, yesterday, after therapy I needed some juice to calm down and then accidentally, I broke the juice container."

"HEY! I WAS BLAMED FOR THAT!" Beka yelled.

"Well, I'm sorry Beka I didn't know."

"Liar you blamed it on me!"

"No, I didn't, um the Way works in strange ways, Beka."

"You lied Wayist?" Tyr asked.

"No, I just didn't see the need to correct anyone!-"

**POOF!**

It was silent as the chunks of fur, still glued together in some places floated gently down to cover the room again.

"I think I hear the Way calling," said the naked Rev as he ran out the door.

"I'm afraid we have to end this session early again today."

0 0 0

"Hello my name is Sabith and I drank ants."

"Hello Sabith."

"Hello my name is Cate and I have double-jointed fingers."

"Hello Cate.

0 0 0

Sabith: I have a confession to make, Dilbert doesn't have a brother, but I do, and today, he broke the closet.

CateRBlack: it's funny cause it's true.

Sabith: It's funny because we fixed it.

CateRBlack: well I thought it was funny before we fixed it.

Sabith: You would.

Sabith and CateRBlack: Tootles.


	5. Session Three

Session three

"Hello my name is Beka and we ran out of coffee."

"Hello Beka."

"Hello my name is Harper and pointy things scare me."

"Hello Harper."

"Hello my name is Rev and I'm an alcoholic."

"Hello Rev."

"Hello my name is Dilbert and I like crunchy things."

"Hello Dilbert."

"Hello my name is Trance and to what extent should your snot be green?"

"Hello Trance."

"Hello my name is Rommie and I have better things I could be doing." "Hello Rommie."

"Hello my name is Tyr and I like violence, but I don't like you."

"Hello Tyr."

"Hello my name is Bob and Harper broke my pointy stick."

"Hello Bob."

Beka: how could you do that Harper?

Harper: he broke it on me!

Bob: that doesn't make it my fault.

0 0 0

"Hello my name is Sabith and CateRBlack is a JACKASS!"

"Hello Sabith."

"Hello my name is Cate and Sabith a jackass and I almost got her to admit it twice."

"Hello Jackass."


	6. Session three continued

Session three continued

"Good afternoon everyone," Dr. Piddle said as she took her seat in the make shift therapy room.

"Well hello there Dr. Piddle," replied Bob from the corner not taking his eyes off his broken pointy stick.

"Let's start with Beka today," said the good doctor as she flipped through her notes. The blond Captain was not looking like herself at all today. Her hair was frizzy and out of place and she had dark purple circles under her eyes.

"Well my problem is simple you see we have NO COFFEE!"

Dilbert choked on the coffee he was sipping and looked frightened at the fuming captain who was glaring at him.

"I-I REV GAVE IT TO ME!" he shouted throwing his hands in the air and dropping the cup of steaming coffee onto his lap.

"OUCH!"

"MY COFFEE!" screamed Beka as she scrambled across the table but was pulled back by Tyr who was enjoying Dilbert's pain.

"Dilbert, are you ok?" asked Dr. Piddle concerned.

"He got what he deserved," said Beka sitting back in her chair satisfied.

"Ok, um how about Harper tells us why pointy things scare him," Dr. Piddle said as she turned to face Harper, or to where he had been.

"Harper?"

"He, he, he, he, he."

All eyes turned to Bob who was giggling like a mad man in the corner.

"Bob?"

In way of response he pointed the end of his stick under the table. Harper was curled up in tight ball mumbling something about rusty kettles and pointy spoons. When he suddenly looked over at Bob who was now sharpening his broken stick. Harper let out a horrified whimper and bolted from the room.

"Well then, how about you Rev. Why have you turned to the bottle?"

"What?" he asked looking surprised.

"Your alcoholism," Dr. Piddle replied calmly.

"How did you know?" said Rev looking mortified.

"You just told us," Dr. Piddle said confused.

"Oh yes of course, well I but I-I-I just-"

**POOF!**

The room went silent as hunks of brown fur snowed down onto the crew.

"Well I think that I will just go and fetch myself a glass of juice, but you need not stop your lovely session on account of me," he said rising out of the chair.

"What kind of juice exactly?" asked Beka snickering and pretending to be drunk.

"And then when I was sixteen-"

"Dilbert, why don't you explain why liking crunchy things is a problem."

"Oh well it isn't it's just that sometimes the wood gets stuck in my teeth. And then I have to go through this big thing with Trance to get them out."

"It's true he does," chirped Trance "every second Tuesday."

"What are you eating exactly?" asked the good doctor moving away from him slightly.

"Pencils," he said cheerfully "HB pencils are the crunchiest."

"But they are the hardest to get out," said Trance in a distracted voice.

"Ok so moving on to… oh yes to you Trance," said Dr. Piddle professionally. "You said your snot was green."

"Well," Trance began. "You see, it wasn't actually mine," she finished looking innocently at Dr. Piddle. "Are you are alright doctor?" she asked concerned, "your looking a little green yourself."

"Right, um Rommie you said that you had better things you could be doing."

"Yes doctor I did, and I do."

"Don't you think your crews mental fitness is more important then running say maintenance?" asked the daring doctor.

"Yes, but why do **I **have to be here?"

"Because your part of the crew."

"I am a warship; I don't have time to go crazy."

"But your crew-"

"They are beyond help."

"Why do you say that?"

"I found them like this."

"Oh… Oh dear."

An uncomfortable silence followed as Rommie continued her death glare towards Dr. Piddle.

"May I speak so we can get this over with?" asked Tyr impatiently.

Looking down at her watch, Dr. Piddle frowned, they still had fifteen minutes.

"Alright, I mean of course you may."

"I continue to like violence, but I fail to like you."

"Oh, well um what does that mean?"

"You're the therapist, you figure it out," Tyr said menacingly.

"Why, if you don't mind my asking do you 'fail to like me'?"

"Because. Because I do not have a problem, and if I did I would not need a kludge to fix it for me."

"So why do you come?" asked Piddle looking insulted.

"Because, it is important to my survival for my crew to be 'sane'"

Without a response Dr. Piddle looked back to her watch Tyr had only taken up five minutes but she could not take another ten minutes with them today.

"Ok everyone times up, I feel that we made great progress today. Time sure does fly when you're having such fun and what not." She said ushering them out of the room.

"If, Dr. Piddle you are going to lie may I suggest you remove the clock from the room before hand," said Tyr's voice from behind her. "For next time." He added as he wandered out of the room.

0 0 0

"Hello my name is Sabith and I cut myself with a spoon."

"Hello Sabith."

"Hello my name is Cate and I broke my wrist falling over a tomato cage."

"Hello Jackass."

0 0 0 0

Sabith: WAZ UP?

CateRBlack: Sorry we took so long to update but we were…

Sabith: hiding, yes that's it, hiding.

CateRBlack: But that doesn't matter, it's in the past now…

Sabith: NO BOB NOT AGAIN/sobs in corner/

CateRBlack: right… we'll have to come back later… when Bob's gone.

Sabith & CateRBlack: Tootles!


End file.
